Something happens when a child becomes a teenager. The kind little guy that wanted to be with dad for everything suddenly has other priorities. The sweet little girl that wanted to grow up to be just like mom seemingly can’t stand the sight of her mother. Conversations with teenage children are often punctuated with sighs of impatience, glances that say, “I already knew that,†or moans and groans about having something better to do. Some of it is hormone-driven. Teens are having feelings they never had before. Emotions are more intense than ever. In addition, there is a built-in drive to begin the process of becoming is or her own person, separate and apart from parents. It is important to remember that this individualization is God-designed and positive in the long run. Ironically, some of the most maddening traits of your teenager (demand for “fairness,†wanting a justification for decisions, refusing to do it the way we’ve always done it, etc.) are actually traits that will serve them well in the adult world. But how do you even have a conversation with this teenage alien that is living in your home? Here are some guidelines to keep in mind.
Be ready to talk when your teenager is ready. Generally speaking, parents will not be able to talk with teens at their convenience. We have to be ready when they are ready. WARNING: Veteran parents will tell you that it seems like nothing of significance happens with teenagers before 10 PM.
Ask questions, and really listen to their answers. It is important to engage them with questions, but don’t go overboard. Sometimes parents, in their eagerness to know what their teenager thinks, pummel their children with a million questions. You should listen more than you talk.
Show respect regarding topics of conversation. You wouldn’t ask a new acquaintance how he feels about a particular girl or whether she thought the new guy is cute. Show the same respect to your teenager. If he or she does not want to talk about an issue, barring a compelling reason to have that conversation, discuss something else.
Ask questions, and really listen to their answers. It is important to engage them with questions, but don’t go overboard. Sometimes parents, in their eagerness to know what their teenager thinks, pummel their children with a million questions. You should listen more than you talk.
Show respect regarding topics of conversation. You wouldn’t ask a new acquaintance how he feels about a particular girl or whether she thought the new guy is cute. Show the same respect to your teenager. If he or she does not want to talk about an issue, barring a compelling reason to have that conversation, discuss something else.
Don’t panic if your son or daughter spouts off a political or social philosophy you don’t agree with. Teenagers are trying on different personalities and varied viewpoints. They will likely return what you taught them (provided it has been taught by example and by word) in the days ahead (Proverbs 22:6).
Talk about something in addition to the “big†issues. There are plenty of big issues to talk about (sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.), but don’t talk only about those matters with your teens. You need to have “little†conversations, too. Talk about sports, movies, music (let your teen school you), pop-culture, etc.
Use plenty of word pictures. This is a visual generation. They have been brought up on pictures. Instead of saying, “Your actions really broke my heart,†say something like, “Your actions shattered my heart like a stone through a window.†The picture you paint with words will have a longer-term effect.
Don’t fall prey to the “one and done†myth. When a teen girl turns up pregnant her parents will sometimes say, “I don’t know how she could let this happen, we had ‘the sex talk.’†However, the big talks are rarely a single episode. You need to have multiple talks on the big subjects. Teenagers aren’t ready to hear it all at once and parents are more effective when the lessons are stated several times in different ways.
Don’t give up! Don’t be a pest, but keep trying. Do your best to keep the doors of communication open. Keep talking about little things so the door stays open talk about the big stuff.
Talk about something in addition to the “big†issues. There are plenty of big issues to talk about (sex, alcohol, drugs, etc.), but don’t talk only about those matters with your teens. You need to have “little†conversations, too. Talk about sports, movies, music (let your teen school you), pop-culture, etc.
Use plenty of word pictures. This is a visual generation. They have been brought up on pictures. Instead of saying, “Your actions really broke my heart,†say something like, “Your actions shattered my heart like a stone through a window.†The picture you paint with words will have a longer-term effect.
Don’t fall prey to the “one and done†myth. When a teen girl turns up pregnant her parents will sometimes say, “I don’t know how she could let this happen, we had ‘the sex talk.’†However, the big talks are rarely a single episode. You need to have multiple talks on the big subjects. Teenagers aren’t ready to hear it all at once and parents are more effective when the lessons are stated several times in different ways.
Don’t give up! Don’t be a pest, but keep trying. Do your best to keep the doors of communication open. Keep talking about little things so the door stays open talk about the big stuff.
It is not always easy to get teenagers to talk, but it is always worthwhile to make the effort!